The Things He Tried To Forget
by witchywanderess
Summary: Remus Lupin has gotten used to his quiet, solitary life. That is, until one morning he wakes up to find out that Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban. As this unexpected event turns his life upside down, Remus suddenly finds himself facing painful memories that he has worked hard to forget- memories about the friends he lost, and the relationship he once had with Sirius.
1. Chapter 1

Remus Lupin woke up to what he was expecting would be a normal day. He made a pot of strong black tea in his chipped old tea kettle, then sat down at his small kitchen table. The cracked window above the sink showed an overcast midsummer day, and the air inside the tiny cottage felt heavy.

He thought that perhaps he would take the long walk down to the village in the afternoon, if the rain held off. He avoided going into the village as a rule, but hadn't been in nearly a month, and was running low on household goods. He glanced idly around the cottage, making a mental note of what items to pick up. Tea, sugar, parchment...

The post-owl tapped its beak at the kitchen window, and he got up to let it in. It hopped through the window and perched on the edge of the sink while Remus deposited a knut in the small leather pouch around its leg, then it dropped the Daily Prophet onto the countertop before flying off again.

Remus closed the window, then shook open the paper as he moved to sit back down at the table, thinking he would take a look at the wanted ads. He was unable to keep steady employment due to his affliction, and needed to find an odd job or two. But before he was able to turn to the back of the newspaper, he saw something entirely unexpected on the front page. Something that made his heart leap into his throat, and caused him to knock over his tea. After a moment, he blinked and took a deep breath, then pointed his wand distractedy at the tabletop and muttered "Scourgify." The tea seeped back out of the newspaper and the table dried.

Remus frowned at the headline, "Shocking Escape From Azkaban: Sirius Black At Large," and could hear his heart pounding in his ears. The photo below the article showed a man with an emaciated, pale face, and long, filthy hair. The only part of the man's face that showed any life were his eyes, which blinked and glared defiantly up at Remus. It was a face he had gotten very good at not thinking about, but still sometimes saw when he slept- in both his sweetest dreams, and his most horrifying nightmares.

"Sirius...escaped," he whispered. His voice was hoarse from lack of use. He very rarely had visitors, and only spoke as needed to complete spells. As he stared at the photo, he could see glimpses of the man he used to know. His strong jawline, straight nose, and dark curls, even as matted as they were, all hinted at how handsome he had been, before...before everything. Back during the best years of Remus's life, before the people he loved most were all lost to him, and everything fell apart.

Somehow, the man responsible had escaped from the most well-guarded wizard prison in existence, and Remus wasn't entirely sure how to feel. He was frightened, and angry, and felt a numb sense of shock, and was overcome with an old grief that he hadn't allowed himself to feel in years. But deep down, in a small, guilty part of his mind, he also longed to see Sirius again.

That night he dreamt of a day that had happened nearly twenty years ago. His memory brought it back to his mind with startling clarity. He was fifteen years old, and he was sprawled out on the lawn of the Hogwarts grounds with his three best friends, far enough away from other groups of students that they could speak freely and not risk being overheard. It was towards the end of their fourth year, and they were discussing the progress they had made in their goal to become Animagi.

"We've nearly gotten it, you know," said James, confident as ever, "I bet by the beginning of next year, we'll be able to transform without a problem." He was lying on his back, playing lazily with a golden snitch, letting it go and then catching it as it started to fly away, and seemed entirely unconcerned at the prospect of becoming an unregistered Animagus.

Peter nodded eagerly. "We'll finally be able to keep you company, Remus!," he said in his squeaky voice.

Remus could still hardly believe that he had friends who accepted him without question and who were willing to risk so much for him. When they had figured out he was a werewolf during their second year, he had been certain that they would abandon him. Instead, his friends had decided to learn the complex magic required to become Animagi so that they could keep him company during his painful transformations every full moon.

If he was being honest with himself, he felt uneasy at the idea of his friends breaking so many rules to be there for him. Becoming an unregistered Animagus was a serious offence, but he had suffered through his transformations alone for so many years, and had been so desperately unhappy. It would be dangerous, and he knew the risk they were all taking, but he was able to put his feelings of unease aside if it meant he didn't have to be alone anymore.

Of course, none of them would truly understand exactly what he went through. Animagi all had a certain affinity with the animal they became, and the animal part of their mind would become stronger the more amount of time they spent in that form, but none of them could know what it was like to be trapped in the strange body and predatory mind of a wolf each and every month.

Sirius, who had no regard for rules and who's idea it had been in the first place to become Animagi, had been more quiet than usual throughout the converation and was looking at Remus as if he knew exactly what he was thinking. Remus watched as Sirius ran his fingers through his long, dark curls.

"So," Sirius asked James and Peter, "what animals will you become?"

"Something big enough to keep a wolf in check," answered James with a grin, as he pretended to throw the snitch in Remus's direction, "I'm thinking a stag."

"I was actually thinking something small. That way I can keep a lookout, and get into small spaces, and hide if...well, if I ever need to," squeaked Peter, with an apologetic glance at Remus.

James rolled his eyes. "Yeah, that would be perfect for you, Peter. Well then, it can be your job to get by the Whomping Willow. What about you, Sirius?"

Sirius looked at Remus for a long moment, then answered, "I might become a wolf."

Remus felt his heart do an odd little flip-flop. "Sirius," he said, "I don't want you to become a wolf. I just...it's taking things too far. Besides, I thought we had all agreed, no predators. You know how dangerous this already is."

"Fine. A big, wolf-like dog then," Sirius answered with a grin, and shrugged as if the matter was settled.

When James and Peter started talking about end-of-year exams, Remus looked quizzically at Sirius, an unspoken question in his eyes. Sirius leaned slightly towards him and said, too quietly for the others to hear, "Don't you get it? I'd do anything for you."


	2. Chapter 2

Remus was abruptly awoken early in the morning by an owl bearing a hastily-written note in a flowing script reading "Lupin- I hope this finds you well. I have an important matter to discuss with you, and if it is not too much of an imposition, will stop in this afternoon. I await your reply. -Dumbledore."

It had been years since Remus had seen Dumbledore, and he couldn't imagine what important matters they would have to discuss, but he supposed in might have something to to do with Sirius's escape from Azkaban. He sent the owl back with a reply, then set about tidying the cottage as best he could, though there was nothing to be done about the general shabbiness of the place. He felt quite nervous at the prospect of a visitor, especially one of such importance as Dumbledore.

Just as he finished brewing a fresh pot of tea, there was a sharp rap on the door. He answered it to a tall, old wizard with a long silver beard. He wore midnight blue robes, and peered at Remus over half-moon spectacles, smiling slightly.

"Remus, how good it is to see you. Thank you for allowing me to visit on such short notice. You are well?"

"As well as you could expect. Come in, Dumbledore. I've just brewed tea."

"Delightful!," Dumbledore exclaimed, "And what a charming cottage," he said as he looked around with interest at the aged plaster, threadbare upholstry, and root vegetables and dried meats hanging from the ceiling cross-beams.

"Er...yes, thank you, it has everything I need," answered Remus as he led Dumbledore through to the kitchen. He gestured at the table and invited his guest to sit. Dumbledore swept his long robes behind him and folded his long frame into the rickety wooden chair. He looked odd there, sitting in the shabby little kitchen in his rich robes, but he seemed quite at ease. They exchanged a few pleasantries while Remus got the tea things together, but he found that small talk made him uncomfortable. He was quite out of practice. He fell silent, but Dumbledore acted as though he neither noticed nor minded.

Remus settled at the table and poured the tea. "So, Dumbledore, to what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?" He did his best to look friendly.

"Well Remus, I won't waste your valuable time," (Remus found this slightly amusing, considering that he had plenty of time and not many occupations to fill it with,) "I expect that you've seen the Daily Prophet?"

He nodded, all amusement forgotten, and Dumbledore continued, "It wasn't printed in the paper, but before his escape, Black was heard muttering 'He's at Hogwarts' in his sleep." Dumbledore sighed. "I believe that he is intending to come after Harry Potter to finish what he started twelve years ago."

Remus swallowed and stared into his teacup. After a long moment, he answered quietly, "That had occurred to me, yes."

He looked up to find Dumbledore looking at him kindly, sypathy in his eyes. "I'm sorry, Remus. I know how hard this must be for you. But now, our priority has to be ensuring that Harry is protected."

Remus took a deep breath and tried to shake off the sadness he was feeling. He didn't want sympathy. "Of course. I'm glad to hear that you will be watching out for Harry. But what does this have to do with me?"

"You may be aware that Hogwarts is in need of a Defense Against the Dark Arts professor again this year," Dumbledore answered, "I would like to offer you the position."

Remus let out a harsh bark of laughter. "Me? That seems an unlikely choice."

"On the contrary, I think that you are uniquely qualified. A new potion has been discovered that will allow you to transform without becoming a threat. I imagine you've heard of it?"

"I've heard of it, of course. But it isn't...well, it's very hard to procure, and a bit out of my price range," Remus replied, a touch of bitterness in his voice.

"I can guarantee that you will have the potion every full moon."

Remus couldn't help but feel tempted by this offer. What would it be like, to not live in fear of hurting someone every time he transformed? He wouldn't need to be a threat anymore... but he shook his head, "It's too dangerous, Dumbledore. This potion is still fairly new, it's no guarantee of safety. And your potions master, Severus Snape, I don't know if I would trust him. You know we don't have the friendliest history," he added wryly.

"I trust that both you and Severus will be able to set aside your old quarrels and will do what needs to be done, "Dumbledore answered. "Remus, I don't ask this of you lightly."

Remus shook his head, about to protest again.

"You are the only person still alive who may be able to get through to Sirius Black, or may be able to anticipate his next move," Dumbledore said quietly. "Having you stationed at Hogwarts is our best chance of keeping Harry safe."

Remus felt slightly ill. He hadn't been able to anticipate Sirius's moves when he had betrayed their best friends to Voldemort all those years ago. It made him question whether he had ever really known or understood Sirius at all. But he supposed he had to try. It was better, at least, than sitting here with no purpose and waiting for news in the Daily Prophet each day. He might have a chance to avenge the death of James and Lily, or at least to protect their son. He felt a small and unexpected thrill of anticipation. He would have a purpose again, and would be fighting for something good. And he would have the potion, and a job, at least for a while... Dumbledore sat patiently while he thought through all of this, weighing his options and coming to a decision.

"Yes. Alright, yes, I'll take the position."

Dumbledore clapped his hands together once, and said, "Good! Then that's settled. I'll make the necessary arrangements and inform select members of the staff of your unique situation. I see no reason why we would need to inform any other parties of your lycanthropy, do you?"

Remus shook his head. "No, I think not," He knew that the parents of the students would not approve if they found out about his condition.

"Well then, I'll take up no more of your time," said Dumbledore, as he stood and moved towards the door. "I look forward to seeing you at the start of term."

He stopped at the front door and turned around. "Oh, and Remus, as I said, you are well qualified, so try to teach the students something useful. The Defense professors the past two years haven't quite been up to the task...although I dare say Gilderoy Lockhart was a favorite among the student's mothers," he added with a quick smile. Then he turned and was gone.

Remus could hardly believe he had just accepted a teaching position. For the second day in a row, something entirely unexpected had happened, and again, he didn't know quite how to feel.


	3. Chapter 3

The middle of the month, in the early evening, Remus went to the back of his cottage and unlocked the padlock on the old cellar doors. He cast a soundproofing charm as he walked down the stone steps. He paused for a moment and sighed heavily, then turned and latched the bolt, ensuring that no one could enter. From the inside, the doors were reinforced with iron and a number of strong impenatrable spells.

In the center of the cellar was a solid stone column, at least three feet wide. Set into the column were heavy shackles. Remus set to work shackling himself and sealing the locks with magic. He worked with practiced hands, having gone through the same motions every single month for many, many years. When he was secured, he carefully placed his wand in a concealed drawer inside the stone column, to ensure that he wouldn't inadvertantly break it after transforming. Without his wand, he wouldn't be able to unseal the shackles after returning to his human form.

There were no windows in the cellar and he had no way of knowing the time, but he could feel it when the sky grew dark. He could feel the full moon beginning to rise, like a painful ringing in his bones. It never seemed to get any easier.

Soon, the tension in his joints became almost unbearable. His spine cracked as he fell whimpering to the dirt floor, and he screamed in pain as his knees and elbows bent themselves backwards. The bones in his body and face broke and lengthened, forcing him into the shape of a wolf. Dark, wiry fur sprouted across his body. His gums ripped open as sharp canine teeth suddenly pushed through, and claws forced themselves out of his fingers and toes, as they fused together to make giant paws. Lastly, his eyes turned a golden yellow and his pupils became vertical slits.

He laid whimpering on the ground, and felt his mind transform to match his body. The wolf began to take over, ravenous and violent. The urge to tear and consume flesh was overwhelming, and he bit into his own legs and tore at his own face, screaming in pain.

He had a sudden, fleeting memory of running through the Forbidden Forest under a full moon, Padfoot at his side. He clung to the memory for as long as he could, and then the wolf won, and he thought no more.


	4. Chapter 4

Moony, Padfoot, Wormtail, and Prongs. Now that they had mastered the art of transforming into animals at will, they had decided they needed code names. Besides, the Marauders Map couldn't very well have their real names on it. Moony was quite proud of the Marauders Map. It had been his own idea and invention- out of the four of them, he was the most studious and therefore the most adept at charms and spells, and the Map was a complicated little piece of magic. They had mapped out the school and grounds over countless hours, most of which occurred when they should have been in bed. Between Prongs's invisibility cloak, Wormtail's ability to explore small spaces as a rat, and Padfoot's reckless disregard for rules, they had made quick work of it, and felt sure that they knew the secrets of Hogwarts almost better than anyone.

The four friends were over halfway through their fifth year, and so far had gone through six full moons together. It was true that they should have been more focused on their upcoming OWLs, but the lure of adventure and mischief was as strong as ever. Remus had told his friends, rather halfheartedly, that he would understand if they couldn't commit the time each month to transform with him. James had just laughed and told him not to be stupid, and Sirius's temper had flared as he loudly exclaimed that they hadn't become animagi for nothing. Peter had, as usual, agreed with James and Sirius. Remus hadn't brought it up again, and was grateful that his friends would continue to keep him company every month.

It was February 13th, and the full moon was due that night. They made their way slowly out onto the grounds, squeezed under the invisibility cloak, clutching the Marauders Map. Since it was a tight fit, Peter had transformed already and rode on James's shoulder.

The last two months they had stopped bothering with the Shrieking Shack, finding that it was much more fun to run in the Forbidden Forest. Remus had found that under the influence of his friends, he was able to maintain more of his human mind when in werewolf form. If he became wild, Sirius and James would be able to keep him in check, but it was so unlikely that they would come across any humans in the Forest that he was hardly worried about hurting anyone. After all, the Forest was forbidden precisely because dangerous creatures like him roamed inside it, and most people were smart enough to stay out of it's dark depths. For the first time in his life, Remus was actually enjoying his werewolf side.

They made their way into the Forest, then once they were in the shadow of the trees, pulled off the cloak. James, who was feeling disgruntled because Lily Evans had not agreed to a date with him the next day, complained loudly about how crowded it had been under the cloak.

Sirius grinned, and couldn't help but goad, "You should have enjoyed it. It's the closest you'll be getting to anyone this Valentine's Day, from what I've heard."

Remus laughed, admiring Lily for bringing James's ego down a notch, and Wormtail sqeaked indignantly. It wasn't hard to figure out that he was shocked that anyone would say no to James.

James scowled. "Someday, I will take Lily Evans on a date. And she'll fall madly in love with me, mark my words. Even if I am stuck with you lot tonight."

"Well personally, there's no where I'd rather be," said Sirius. He threw Remus a quick wink, and Remus quite suddenly felt flustered and off-balance.

He swallowed, and quickly recovered enough to roll his eyes and say "Oh yes, it's all very romantic," in a convincingly sarcastic tone.

The sky was growing darker by the minute, so they made their way further into the trees as they waited for the moon to rise. They came a boulder that they used as a marker to indicate that they were far enough into the forest.

"The moon is rising, I can feel it," said Remus, wincing, "You had better transform so you're ready."

It was important that Sirius and James transformed before Remus did, or he could seriously injure or turn them. James changed into a strong, muscular stag with full antlers, and Sirius into a huge, black dog. Then, as had become their habit, the three friends stood to the side while Remus underwent his much more painful transformation. He had asked them not to watch, ashamed of the whole process. Once he was fully in wolf form, he stood to his full considerable height, and his friends quickly surrounded him.

Moony growled deep in his throat, wanting the animals in front of him to move aside so he could hunt. Wormtail scurried up the closest tree, keeping a lookout and observing from a safe distance. Padfoot stepped forward and growled right back, and Prongs lowered his antlers threateningly. Moony glared at them both, backing up against the boulder, snarling and considering attacking.

Then, after a moment, he made eye contact with them both, and felt a tiny, human voice deep in his head telling him that these animals were his friends. The voice got stronger, and he slowly felt his mind return, pushing against his werewolf instincts. He stopped growling, and sat back on his haunches. He nodded calmly at them. Wormtail slowly crept back down the tree, and Prongs raised his head. Padfoot gave him a big doggy grin, and they both raised their heads towards the full moon, letting out a loud howl. Then, they set off into the forest.

Hours later, they were running through the trees, enjoying the light of the moon and the cold winter air, when Moony stopped in his tracks. He had caught a whiff of something that smelled deliciously human. Before he knew what was happening, the wolf inside his mind pushed back, and his prey drive took over. He was rushing towards the smell, his senses on overdrive. He could hear two voices and two human heartbeats, pumping blood through warm human bodies that he wanted to sink his fangs into and rip apart. He could almost taste it.

He heard a young male voice saying something about it being a beautiful night, and that it was officially Valentine's day, and a female voice giggling and murmuring something in reply, and kissing noises. He was so close, and deep inside he was panicking, knowing he was going to kill them both, but he _wanted to_ , and he couldn't stop.

Suddenly, a large, furry, growling mass slammed into his side, and he was knocked to the ground. Snarling and snapping at Padfoot's shoulder, he tried to get back up. A pair of antlers appeared in front of him, and forced him back to the ground. He struggled, and Prongs did his best to hold him down, but Moony was strong. As he and Padfoot tussled, biting and straining against one another, he was dimly aware of the girl's voice nervously saying, "Quiet, what was that noise?"

He saw something small scurry past, and a moment later heard the girl scream. The boy laughed, "It's just a rat!"

"Ugh! Oh come on, it's freezing and creepy out here. Let's go back to the castle."

"Can I warm you up once we get back?"

As they moved away, the girl giggling, Moony struggled harder than ever. They smelled more delicious than anything he had ever tasted.

As he almost managed to escape, Padfoot lunged and bit his side. He yelped, brought slightly back to his senses by the pain. They continued to struggle, but Moony was losing blood and felt himself growing weary. The boy and girl were far enough away now that he wasn't overwhelmed by their scent, and finally he gave up. Panting heavily, he collapsed onto the ground, and Padfoot fell beside him. Prongs stood nearby, alert and watchful. As Moony passed out, he could hear the faint sound of Padfoot's heartbeat.

Murky, early morning light crept through the forest, and Remus woke up with a gasp. He found himself on the freezing ground, sore and bloodied, his clothing torn. But before he had much chance to register how awful he felt, he was thoroughly distracted by the strong, warm body pressed tightly against him from behind.

Sirius's arms were wrapped around him, his sleeves torn to sheds and his wiry muscles exposed. His face was pressed against Remus's shoulder, his breath tickling his ear. His leg was thrown over Remus, holding him completely captive. Remus shifted slightly, experimentally, against Sirius. Sirius stirred and moaned softly, then pushed himself even more firmly against Remus, his hands moving sleepily down Remus's chest towards his hips. Remus inhaled sharply and closed his eyes...

Suddenly, he heard James's voice from a very close distance, "Wake up, you lot! We need to get back to the castle."

His eyes flew open and he pushed away from Sirius, who stretched and yawned, slowly sitting up. Remus stared at his touseled hair and bare shoulders. Sirius's eyes flickered over him, and his gaze lingered on his bare torso. Remus gulped and quickly located his cloak, bunching it onto his lap. He could have sworn that he saw Sirius smirk.

Feeling flushed, he looked around guiltily for the others. Peter and James were standing off to the side, shaking the leaves off their cloaks. "You two look a little worse for the wear," said James, "We'll need to hurry if you want to get cleaned up before anyone notices we're missing." Peter nodded in agreement.

Sirius stood, then reached his hand out to Remus and pulled him up. Remus was momentarily distracted by the way Sirius's hand felt in his, then winced as Sirius released him, suddenly noticing how sore his entire body felt.

"Well," he cleared his throat, "I don't remember much, but last night apparently didn't go as smoothly as usual."

As they walked quickly back to the castle, the other three explained what had happened, realizing that they had become careless while running and ended up too close to the edge of the forest.

Remus realized how terribly different the night could have gone. He knew that it had been a horribly close call, and that he should insist that they stay in the Shrieking Shack going forward. But he was so grateful that his friends hadn't let him hurt the two students in the forest, and so preoccupied with the thought of Sirius's body pressed against his, that he let his friends plan to come back the next full moon, and smiled along with them as they laughed off the events of the night before.

His mind was full of confused thoughts and desires, as he acknowledged for the first time that he felt something for Sirius that went deeper than friendship.


	5. Chapter 5

Remus woke up the morning after the full moon curled on the cold cellar floor. He groaned as he opened his eyes. His arms and legs had new scratch and bite marks, which would add to the already extensive web of scars there. His muscles were achy and sore. It seeemed like the older he got, the more difficult it was for his body to recover from his transformations.

He slowly pushed himself up from the floor and retrieved his wand, then set to work releasing the shackles that bound him to the thick stone column. Once he was free, he staggered up the cellar steps and out into the bright summer morning. It was a beautiful, bright day, but he couldn't bring himself to enjoy it.

He had come to dread the aftermath of his transformations almost as much as the transformations themselves. For days afterwards, he found himself mentally and emotionally drained, exhausted. He did his best to care for himself when he felt this way, but it was difficult.

Once Remus made it back into the cottage, he forced himself to make a cup of tea, then sat down with a heavy sigh. He didn't have much of an appetite, but he broke off a large piece of chocolate from the bar sitting on the table and nibbled at it slowly. It helped a little.

While he ate, his mind wandered back to the memory he'd been thinking of the night before as he'd turned. He knew it would just hurt, but he couldn't help but think ahead to another morning that had occurred his sixth year at Hogwarts.

James had finally convinced Lily to go on a few dates with him, and one of them fell on the same day as the full moon. Remus wouldn't hear of him trying to reschedule, he knew how much James liked Lily, and thought that she was a really good influence on him- certainly better than the Marauders were. Peter had been stuck in detention, Remus couldn't remember for what, but it had ended up that only Sirius had been able to transform with him that night.

Their run in the woods had been uneventful and fun, and they had snuck back into the castle early in the morning in high spirits, breathless, muddy, and tired. They were both rather tall by now, and had to move slowly under the invisibility cloak, pressed very close together with the Marauder's Map held out in front of them.

Since he had realized his feelings for Sirius a little over a year before, Remus had been very careful not to act on them. He was already different enough, and his friends accepted him without question... but he didn't know if they would be as accepting if he confessed that he was completely infatuated with one of them. Sirius still sometimes acted flirtatious towards him, but Remus tried not to read too much into it. After all, Sirius, much like James, enjoyed being admired and knew exactly how charming he was. Remus was almost entirely sure that Sirius just enjoyed the extra attention, so he took any flirtatious comments as a joke.

But that morning, with Sirius pressed close against him and no one else around to see, it was hard to keep his resolve. He was giddy with the high of running and lack of sleep, and responded to Sirius's flirtations with teasing of his own.

Without warning, Sirius glanced down at the map, then grabbed Remus's hand and made an abrupt turn into a deserted classroom. He tore off the invisibilty cloak and let it fall in a heap to the floor.

Remus laughed, "What are we doing h-" but before he could even finsh asking, Sirius had pushed him up against the closed door and was kissing him. The kiss was aggressive, with Sirius pressing the full length of his body against him and pinning his hands above his head.

His eyes opened wide in shock, then closed as he felt his body respond. He gasped, and pressed his hips hard against Sirius, who moved his hands slowly downward and lifted up the hem of Remus's shirt. He moved his hands around to Remus's back, running his fingers up and down his spine and making him shiver. His hands now free, Remus moved them to Sirius's hair, tangling his fingers in it and pulling away slightly to bite eagerly at his lower lip. Sirius growled deep in his throat and gripped Remus's hips hard enough to leave fingernail marks, and Remus kissed him again, more deeply than before, tasting him and exploring his tongue with his own. He moaned as Sirius moved his hands along the waistband of his jeans, then upwards to take off Remus's shirt.

Maybe it was the prospect of being unclothed, but Remus suddenly came back to his senses. "Wait," he gasped, pulling away slightly.

"What? But why?" said Sirius, breathing heavily, with his hands still poised just under a Remus's ribcage.

"I just...I just need a minute." Remus laughed shakily, "I mean, shouldn't we talk about this?"

"What's there to talk about?" Sirius answered impatiently, "I want you. I know you want me too." But as he spoke, he loosened his grip and moved back a few inches to look into Remus's face.

Remus felt a thrill at his words. "So...you do actually want me? Really?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Uh, _obviously_. Have you not noticed me flirting with you? For years? Did you not just notice me kissing you?"

"I just thought you were joking...well, okay, the kiss was a bit of an indication." He tried not to grin stupidly, and almost succeeded.

"Well, now that that's settled." Sirius moved back in to kiss him again.

Remus put his hands against his chest to stop him. "Wait."

" _What?"_

"I don't know if this is a good idea."

"Of course it is, it's a great idea."

Remus laughed. "Okay, it is. It's just..." His smile faltered and he looked towards the ground, and mumbled, "I'm already a freak. A monster. If people find out, this will make me even weirder. What will people think? Especially James and Peter?"

Sirius scowled. "Don't you dare call yourself a freak. Anyway, if you are, then so am I. James will get used to the idea. And who cares what anyone else thinks? Although," he suddenly smiled rather coldly, "I would love to know what my family thinks. Anything I do that makes them disown me faster, I'm all for."

Remus shook his head. "It isn't funny. I really am worried. I want you, I really do, I think I just need some time to get used to the idea." he whispered.

"I've been wanting to kiss you for a long time. I guess I can wait a while longer for anything else," Sirius answered. He lifted Remus's chin and kissed him once more, gently this time, then sighed softly. "Okay, let's go."

Remus nodded and retrieved the invisibility cloak and map, draping it over them both. As they made their way back to the Gryffindor tower, Sirius grabbed his hand, easily, as if they had been holding hands forever. Somehow, this meant almost as much to Remus as the kiss.

Once they were safely back in the common room, deserted at that hour of the morning, they removed the cloak. Sirius cleared the Marauder's Map, saying "Mischief managed," and then with a sideways, teasing grin at Remus, "Well...almost."

Remus smiled back, then bit his lip, glancing quickly around to be absolutely sure they were alone, then gave Sirius a quick peck on the cheek before heading up to his dormitory.

Remus shook his head as he came back to the present, smiling slightly. But, all of his happy memories with Sirius were bittersweet, because they always made him think of where they had ended up. His smile faded, and he brought his hands up and rubbed his face wearily, then covered his face with his hands and allowed the sadness to overwhelm him.


	6. Chapter 6

Over the next few days, Remus got ready to leave for Hogwarts. The prospect of going back to the place where he had spent the happiest years of his life filled him simultaneously with excitement and apprehension. He longed for the comfort of the familiar castle and grounds, but knew that more of the things he had tried to forget would come back to haunt him.

There wasn't much to do as far as packing. Remus put his few belongings in his battered old suitcase and did his best to patch his robes, which were embarassingly shabby. The rest of the time he spent reading up on defensive spells, counter-jinxes, and dark creatures, and thinking up basic lesson plans. He found that he was looking forward to teaching.

When the day came to leave for Hogwarts, he closed the door to the old cottage without looking back, and set off for London. Most of the professors would already be at the castle, but he would be taking the train.

He arrived at Kings Cross very early, wanting to get settled before the students arrived. Platform 9 3/4 brought back memories of his very first year at Hogwarts, and how excited and nervous he had been. As a child, he had never thought he would be able to go to school or have friends. After his first year, he had met Sirius, James, and Peter, and they had always taken the train together.

He boarded, thinking of the times he had spent with the Marauders on the Hogwarts Express. Games of exploding snap, pumpkin pasties and chocolate frogs from the trolly... that time in their fifth year when Sirius had somehow smuggled in a bottle of honey mead, and Remus had arrived back from his prefect duties to find all three of his friends slightly tipsy. They had convinced him to join in, against his better judgement, by telling him that it was to celebrate that they had all successfully became Animagi.

He grinned as he walked down to the end of the train, and settled in the very last compartment, knowing that it was the least likely to be occupied by students, and wanting some time to rest and collect himself before arriving at the castle. He took the seat by the window and continued to reminisce, and soon fell asleep.

Without warning, his pleasant dreams went cold. His mind was suddenly full of his worst memories- the night that he had been nearly killed by Greyback and became a monster, the night that he had received the news that James and Lily were dead due to Sirius's betrayal, the day that Sirius was sent to Azkaban without a trial, the countless, painful, lonely full moons that followed. He felt as though he would drown in the cold feeling around his heart, and would never be happy again.

Then, voices broke into his sleeping mind, and he stirred awake. He remembered vaguely that he was on the train to Hogwarts, but the compartment he had chosen for it's solitude seemed to be now full of confused students- it was hard to tell how many, because it was completely dark. The reason for the students' confusion quickly became clear when he realized that he hadn't been having just any nightmare. The compartment was cold, and a feeling of dread was palpable in the air. Dementors.

"Quiet!," he said hoarsely. Remus conjured a flame in his hand, and was startled to see James looking at him from across the compartment. But wait, it couldn't be. James was dead. As he shook off the last remnants of sleep, he realized the boy in front of him had Lily's eyes, and then he saw the lightning shaped scar on his forehead. Harry. Of course. Remus hadn't seen Harry since he was very small, but knew that it could be no one else. He really was the image of his father.

Remus looked quickly around the compartment and saw, in addition to Harry, a boy and girl with red hair who he felt sure must be Weasleys, a rather chubby boy who looked vaguely familiar, and a girl with curly brown hair. All of them looked pale and frightened.

"Stay where you are," he said as he got to his feet, beginning to move toward the door. But before he could reach it, the door slid slowly open. The dementor seemed to float there, a dark spectre with its grisly dead hand stretching out from between the folds of its cloak. It took a deep, rattling breath, tasting their memories and life force, and the remaining warmth and energy was sucked from the compartment.

The effect was awful, but Remus had experienced similar despair on many occasions even without a dementor nearby. He knew how to cope.

All of the students looked very shaken, but Harry worst of all. Remus wasn't surprised that the dementors affected him more strongly than the others. Within seconds, Harry's eyes had rolled back into his head, he had gone deathly pale, and had collapsed onto the compartment floor.

Remus stepped quickly over him towards the door, pulling out his wand. The dementor wasn't keen to move on. It longed to sample the horrors in both his and Harry's past, and of course had sensed that many of his happy memories involved Sirius, who's escape from Azkaban was the entire reason the dementors were there.

"None of us is hiding Sirius Black under our cloaks. Go," he said quietly. But the dementor didn't move. Remus summoned a brief, happy memory -Sirius laughing while Remus straightened his tie before James and Lily's wedding, the quick kiss that followed- and muttered, "Expecto Patronum."

A thin whisp of silver flew towards the dementor, and it glided away. Remus lowered his wand and looked around as the lights came back on. The red headed boy and curly brunette girl were on the floor next to Harry, who was starting to stir. The warmth was beginning to come back into the compartment, but they were all still very pale.

Chocolate. It would help. Thankfully, Remus had brought a large slab with him. He never knew when he might need it. He pulled it from his pocket and broke it into uneven pieces to distribute among the students.

"Here. Eat it. It'll help," he said as he handed Harry the largest piece.

He then set off to find out how close they were to Hogwarts and why the dementors had been allowed on the train, wondering if there would be any news of Sirius.


	7. Chapter 7

The night before Remus's first class, he wasn't able to sleep. As nice as it had been to be back at Hogwarts, surrounded by books and eating three delicious meals each day, he was also surrounded by people who he had fought alongside in the First Wizarding War. It was lovely to see people like Hagrid and Minerva McGonagall again (although it still seemed strange to call her by her first name, instead of Professor), but they served as painful reminders of the people who were no longer there.

Everywhere he looked he could see Sirius, James, and Peter... the gargoyle that guarded the entrance to the first secret passage that James had discovered, the hollow trick step that he had pulled Peter out of countless times, the very classroom where he and Sirius had shared their first kiss...

Not to mention, he had a simple case of nerves. It hadn't escaped his notice that most of the students weren't impressed by his worn appearance. Conveniently, a boggart had shown up in the teacher's lounge, so he would at least have an interesting first lesson for his third-year class.

He hadn't even begun to unpack his few posessions yet, feeling that it would be pressing his luck to get too settled in. He stayed up most of the night reading to distract himself from nerves and from the memories that constantly tried to inrude.

Remus met his third-year class the next day, which included Harry and his friends from the train, minus the younger Weasely girl. He had realized when looking over the list of students why one of the boys, Neville, had looked familiar. He had known his parents well when they were in the Order together.

He led the class to the teacher's lounge, where they met Severus, who was as unpleasant as ever. Remus still regretted how his friends had bullied Severus when they were in school together, and knew that he was just as guilty for not stopping them. He couldn't help but think, however, that Severus was still a git, as he made some unnecessarily cruel remarks about Neville while he took his leave. Remus was determinedly polite, and chose Neville to assist him with the boggart. The poor boy looked frightened out of his wits, but if he had anything of his parents in him, Remus knew he would be fine.

As the boggart turned into Professor Snape, who with Neville's incantation of "Riddikulus!"was suddenly wearing Augusta Longbottom's Sunday best, the class roared with laughter. Remus suppressed a grin, trying not to look as though he was enjoying himself too much.

Students practiced on the boggart in turns, until it approached Harry. Remus quickly stepped in to stop the exercise, as he thought it likely that Harry's worst fear was Voldemort, who's sudden materialization would probably cause panic.

Remus was very satisfied with the lesson, and thought that many of his students showed potential. He had thoroughly enjoyed his first day of teaching.

That evening after dinner, he felt hopeful enough about continuing as a professor that he thought it safe to unpack and get settled in. He hummed vaguely to himself as he put his few posessions away. As he arranged his books on the bookshelf, a piece of paper fell out from between the pages of an old novel. Frowning curiously, he set the book aside on the table, then reached down picked the paper off the floor, turning it over.

It was a black and white photograph from James and Lily's wedding. They were standing outside the hotel where the reception had been held, along with Sirius, Peter, and Remus himself. Remus stared at his own, younger self beaming and waving up at him. Had he ever really been that happy? His gaze moved over each of their faces. James looked proud, Lily radiant. Peter was obviously excited, and Sirius was just as handsome and carefree as Remus remembered him being that day.

Sirius had, of course, been James's best man. At Lily's request (something about wanting to see James in a suit just once in her life), they had worn muggle tuxedos instead of dress robes.

Sirius had muttered grumpily under his breath about how ridiculous an outfit it was, until he noticed the way Remus was looking at him.

A few minutes before the service, Remus pulled Sirius aside to straighten his tie, which had been slightly off center. "There," he said as he fixed it, "Now you look perfectly dashing."

"What in the world would I do without you?" Sirius asked laughingly.

Remus smiled, "Have a crooked tie, I suppose."

Sirius caught Remus's hand, which was still resting on his shoulder, and looked quickly around. Everyone in the room was obviously distracted as they readied themselves to file into the church. Sirius pulled Remus in and gave him a quick, playful kiss. Remus felt his knees go weak as Sirius ran his tongue teasingly over his bottom lip. It was over far too soon, and then Sirius whispered, "I have to go. It's show time," before releasing him.

Remus had tried to pay attention as his two best friends said their vows, but he hadn't been able to keep his eyes off Sirius. Once, Sirius had caught him as he looked him hungrily up and down, catching his eye as he looked back up at his face. Remus had shrugged sheepishly as Sirius smirked. He knew exactly how good he looked.

Now they were halfway through the reception, which was being held in the ballroom of an old hotel that was owned by some of James's parent's wealthy aquaintences. Remus wasn't sure if it was because of the drinks he'd had or because Sirius had taken off his jacket, loosened his tie, and rolled up his sleeves to expose his muscular forearms, but he was having a very difficult time focusing on the festivities.

As James and Lily came in from the dance floor, they all gathered near the bar, Sirius calling for shots of firewhiskey.

"Well, aren't you boys just party _animals_?" said Lily, then laughed tipsily at her own joke.

Sirius snorted as James loudly said, "Ha! My wife, beautiful, clever, and witty!"

They all laughed as they downed their shots, then James called for a round of butterbeer. Remus shook his head. He felt sure that he'd had quite enough, and the way Sirius was affecting him, he didn't know what he would do if he let his inhibitions down further.

Lily shook her head as well, then grabbed Remus by the hand. "Moony! Come have a dance with me while the boys drink their beer, will you?"

"Of course! How could I possibly say no to such a lovely bride?" he said as he let himself be pulled onto the dance floor, James calling jokingly after him to behave himself.

As they danced to an old swing tune (Remus didn't consider himself a very good dancer, but he knew the basic steps and a few turns), Lily leaned close to him and whispered, "So Remus, tell me, what's going on between you and Sirius?"

Startled, Remus stammered, trying to come up with a denial of some sort, but Lily rolled her eyes and said, "Come off it, I see the way you look at him. You've been looking at him that way forever."

So he had given himself away after all. He didn't quite feel able to speak, so he just nodded.

"It's okay, you know," Lily said softly, "I think you two would make a lovely couple, if you would just give yourselves a chance."

"I...I think so too." Remus finally answered.

"Not to mention, a very _attractive_ couple," Lily said in a gently teasing voice.

Remus laughed shakily, suddenly feeling less nervous. "He i _s_ very attractive, isn't he?" he said as he stole a glance over at Sirius, who was leaning against the bar and talking animatedly with James and Peter.

"Hmm," Lily nodded, gazing at James, "Those muggles tuxedos are very nice, aren't they?"

"They certainly are," Remus answered appreciatively.

They danced in silence for a few moments, then Lily said, "You know what I think?"

"I'm sure you're going to tell me."

"I think that you should go for it. With everything going on in the world today, who knows how long any of us has? Life is too uncertain to not be with someone who makes you happy. And I know Sirius makes you happy."

She was right, of course. Remus pulled her in for a quick hug. "You're a good friend, Lily. Thank you."

"Anytime! You know I'm here for you." she said cheerfully. Then she smiled as she looked across the room at her husband, Peter, and Sirius still standing at the bar. "And you know, Remus...Sirius looks at you the same way you look at him."

Remus looked up in time to see that Sirius was indeed staring at him from across the room. A slow smile spread across his face as they locked eyes, and he impulsively gave Sirius the most seductive wink he could muster. He was rewarded by seeing Sirius suddenly go rather pink in the face and sputter on his beer, of which he had hurriedly taken a large swallow. Remus grinned as he watched a concerned Peter thumping Sirius on the back. The knowledge that he could make cool, cocky Sirius feel flustered was very empowering.

Lily laughed, and patted him on the shoulder, "Well done. Now remember what we talked about."

As the song ended and they made their way back to the group, Remus made a decision. As James greeted Lily with an enthusiatic kiss and lead her back to the dance floor, Remus strengthened his resolve, then leaned close to Sirius's ear and whispered, "Come back to my room with me. Now."

Sirius looked at him questioningly for just a moment, then quickly tipped back the rest of his drink, putting the glass down on the bar. "Listen," he said, turning to Peter, "I'm suddenly really tired. Too much to drink. I'm going to go have a bit of a lie-down and Remus is going to...to help me," he finished distractedly.

They left Peter talking to some of James's elderly relatives and quickly made their way towards the door. As they walked out, Remus caught Lily's eye. She gave him a quick thumbs-up behind James's back.

They made their way to Remus's room without talking. Remus opened the door and beckoned Sirius inside, then turned to engage the lock. He took a deep breath before turning around. He could feel his heart pounding in his ears, but he moved confidently forward to put his hands on Sirius's hips. He leaned in and kissed him softly. His lips tasted like firewhiskey. Sirius sighed and stepped closer, putting his arms around Remus.

As he felt Sirius's body against him, Remus began to kiss him more urgently. He pushed against him, slowly moving him backwards into the room, until his back was pressed against the dresser. Remus's hands shook slightly as he reached for the top button on Sirius's shirt. He wanted him so badly.

He undid the buttons quickly, kissing his way down Sirius's chest. He smelled like the soap he had been using since their school days. Sirius's breath quickened and he ran his fingers through Remus's hair. As he pushed the shirt completely aside, Remus ran his fingers along the waistband of Sirius's dress pants. He paused for a moment, then reached lower, stroking the bulge there. Sirius gasped and leaned back against the dresser, moving his hips forward to push more firmly against Remus's hand. He was so hard. Fueled by Sirius's desire, needing to taste more of him, Remus knelt.

He looked up at Sirius as he undid the button on his pants. Sirius closed his eyes and bit his lip, then moaned as Remus took him into his mouth. Remus sucked on him gently at first, experimenting with his tongue. As Sirius's breath came faster and he moved his hips to grind against Remus's mouth, he became more confident. He sucked harder, pushing Sirius deeper into his mouth, loving the way Sirius moaned, wanting to please him. Sirius cried out as he came, his head thrown back and his hands tangled in Remus's hair.

Remus slowly got to his feet and kissed along Sirius's jawline. Sirius wrapped his arms tightly around him, panting slightly, "Oh God, Remus. Fuck. If I had known that's what I was missing all this time..." Remus laughed softly, then took Sirius's hands as they moved to the bed.

Sirius pulled Remus's shirt over his head as they continued to kiss. Remus pulled back and looked at Sirius for a long moment. He was feeling brave, and perhaps still a little drunk. Before he could stop himself, he heard himself saying, "Sirius, I think...I think I might love you a little bit."

Sirius laughed, and kissed him gently. "I know you do. And I know that I love you back. I think I have for a long time." He kissed Remus again, more deeply, then moved his lips to Remus's ear and whispered, "Let me show you how much."

He reached down to the floor and retrieved his tie, which had been thrown aside earlier, then pushed Remus back onto the bed and straddled him. He slowly ran his hands along Remus's shoulders then down to his wrists. They intertwined their fingers, and he moved Remus's hands to the headboard. He ran the tie teasingly along Remus's chest and up his arms, then wrapped it tightly around his wrists, restraining him. Remus couldn't have moved his hands even if he'd wanted to. Sirius had barely touched him, but he couldn't believe how aroused he felt.

Sirius pulled off Remus's pants, then began to kiss and lick along his torso, excrutiatingly slowly, biting gently at his hip bones. He put his hand between Remus's legs, stroking his considerable length softly through his briefs, but when Remus lifted his hips, trying to press against him, he pulled his hand away, keeping his touch torturously light. "Sirius...please..." Remus gasped.

"I've been thinking about this moment from the very first time we kissed," Sirius growled, "You made me wait a very, very long time. Now, it's your turn to be patient."

Remus moaned and closed his eyes as Sirius continued his slow, incredibly frustrating, incredibly arousing exploration of his body. Finally, Sirius pulled his briefs off and touched him firmly for the first time. Remus inhaled sharply, and then was lost in pleasure as...

No. Remus shook his head as he forced himself back to the present. He wouldn't think any more about the way Sirius had touched him that night, or the way they had fallen asleep in each other's arms. He couldn't let himself remember how they had woken up early, the sun shining warmly across the bed, and slowly made love, Sirius kissing all of his scars, or how they had laid naked together all morning, drinking tea in bed, talking and teasing... he couldn't think about it, or he would be forced to admit how much he missed him.

Suddenly angry, he crumpled the photo and tossed it into the fire. He watched it burn for just a moment, Sirius's handsome face smiling and waving at him, and then, as a sob escaped his throat, lunged forward and snatched it from the flames. He laid the photo back on the table without looking at it, and reached automatically for the bar of chocolate sitting beside it. Then, he changed his mind and got up to pour a whiskey instead.

He sat back down and sipped his drink, then smoothed the photo, and placed it back inside the pages of his book. His fingers were burnt, but he didn't bother healing them. The pain helped distract him. Eventually, he fell into an exhausted, dreamless sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

As the autumn faded into winter, Remus settled comfortably into his role as professor, and took the Wolfsbane Potion every month. As uncomfortable as it still was to transform, it was an immense relief to know that he would keep his own mind and wouldn't hurt anyone.

The first full moon of the term, he had been leery of taking the potion, not completely trusting that it would be effective. He had insisted on using one of the secure dungeon rooms, and had asked Hagrid and Severus to be there when he transformed. He knew that out of the staff, Hagrid was the least likely to be afaid or disgusted by his transformation, and despite being unable to use magic, would also be less likely to be injured if the potion wasn't effective, due to his size and being part giant. Severus he knew would be as unpleasant as ever, but he also was familiar with dark creatures and would be able to contain him. Severus would also not hesitate to hurt him if it was necessary.

When Remus had asked him to be there, Severus had sneeringly accused him of not trusting his skills as a potions master. "I don't doubt your skill," Remus had answered mildly, "But, I would feel more comfortable if you were there to observe the effects of the potion."

Appealing to Severus's scholarly interest had worked, and he had grudgingly agreed. Unsurprisingly, Hagrid had agreed cheerfully to be there, and they stood warily by while Remus went through his transformation.

Afterwards, he had kept waiting for his mind to be taken over by the werewolf like it always was, but it hadn't happened. It was a strange sensation to be in his werewolf form but with perfectly rational human thoughts. Once Hagrid and Severus saw that he was safe, they had relaxed, and Remus had sat quietly, waiting for the night to pass. Since that first time, he had spent each full moon curled up by the fire in his office, not at all dangerous, but somewhat bored. It made him miss those fun nights he had spent in the Forbidden Forest long ago.

He had also begun to develop a relationship with Harry, and had been teaching him about the Patronus charm to ward off dementors. He was proud of the progress Harry was making, although it always hurt to hear him describe the awful memories of Lily's death the dementors made him remember. Many times Remus had wanted to comfort Harry, and to tell him how much he had loved both of his parents, and how like them he was, but he always held back.

At one of their lessons in January, Harry also had a memory of James on the night he had died. Shaken, Remus let slip that they had been friends. Later, as Harry sat chewing a large piece of Honeyduke's chocolate, he asked, quite out of nowhere, "Professor Lupin? If you knew my dad, you must have known Sirius Black as well."

Caught off guard by the sound of Sirius's name, Remus asked, "What gives you that idea?" more sharply than he intended.

"Nothing...I mean, I just knew they were friends at Hogwarts..." Harry trailed off.

"Yes, I knew him. Or, I thought I did," Remus answered, as he dismissed Harry.

Remus sat brooding afterwards. He had never thought he would have the opportunity to know James and Lily's son, although he had known Harry as a baby and often wondered about his personality and well-being. He had told himself over the years that he had never reached out for Harry's own safety, but he knew that he had also avoided it because the boy was a painful reminder of better times. As he dwelled on their lesson that night, a memory of another winter night from many years ago came back to him with clarity.

It was New Year's Eve, and the Marauders and Lily were gathered to ring in the year 1980. They had decided on a quiet night in at James' and Lily's comfortable flat. Voldemort and his followers had been steadily gaining power, and it wasn't safe to be out at night.

Lily, James, and Peter sat on the roomy couch, Remus and Sirius across from them in two plush armchairs. A fire was roaring behind the grate, and bottles of butterbeer and champagne crowded the coffee table, along with various snacks. Snow fell beyond the dark windows.

The atmosphere was so cozy that Remus found it hard to remember that the wizarding world beyond these walls was on the brink of war. He decided that just for tonight, he would put it out of his mind, even though he could imagine the reactions of other members of the Order of the Phoenix, (particularly Alastor Moody) if he let himself get too relaxed. But tonight, he wanted to simply enjoy the company of his friends and celebrate the New Year. He had another new beginning to celebrate too...he and Sirius had found a flat of their own.

They were planning to tell the others tonight, and he was feeling a little nervous about it. Sirius caught his eye and gave him a reassuring smile, then during a lull in the conversation, said casually, "So, Remus and I have some news."

James and Peter looked at him curiously, and Lily smiled knowingly. "Oh?" she said.

"Yes, we're moving in together. We've already found a flat outside the city."

"Brilliant! You two will make great flatmates," said James enthusiastically.

"Well...actually," answered Sirius quietly, as he reached his hand out to Remus, who took it and held it tightly without looking up at the others, "We're a bit more than just flatmates."

Sirius stared at James, his chin lifted defiantly. Remus snuck a look towards the couch and saw that James looked dumbfounded, and Peter's mouth was hanging open. Lily's face broke into a grin as she made eye contact with Remus, which made him feel a bit less awkward. The silence seemed to stretch on for a long time.

Suddenly James threw his head back and laughed, "Of course you are! You're the perfect couple, almost as perfect as Lily and I. How did I never realize?..."

Lily cut in, "Because, darling, you had such a big head all through school that you didn't realize much of anything." She ruffled his hair affectionately, then looked back across and Remus and Sirius, "Anyway, it's about time, you two."

Sirius's face relaxed into a smile, and Remus squeezed his hand. His heart felt so full.

"Wait! You knew about this? And you didn't think to tell me?" James said indignantly.

Lily shrugged, and smiled across at Remus, saying "It wasn't my news to tell, was it?"

Peter broke in, "Well! This calls for another drink, doesn't it?" He grinned as he conjured a bottle of firewhisky and five small glasses, beginning to pour and pass them around.

"Oh," said Lily quietly, "none for me, thanks."

"Come on Lil, we're celebrating!" Sirius yelled jovially.

"Well, actually... we have some news too," she said, looking over at James, who grinned in anticipation.

She nodded, givng him permission to share their news. He threw his hands into the air and shouted, "We're having a baby!"

Peter gasped and nearly dropped the bottle of whiskey, exclaiming, "A baby!"

Sirius jumped up to pull James and Lily into a bear hug, shouting, "A baby marauder?! Well, the world's in trouble now!"

Remus stood up to hug them as well, offering his enthusiatic congratulations, but forgot to look very surprised. Sirius looked at him suspiciously. "You don't seem all that surprised. Did you know about this?"

"No, I just...I sort of guessed," he said lamely.

Lily gave him a confused glance, and Sirius narrowed his eyes as he opened his mouth to argue. Remus sighed exasperatedly, "Okay, okay. I could, uhm, sense it. For the past couple of months now. Werewolf senses, you know..."he trailed off, mumbling in an embarassed sort of way.

They all gaped at him for a moment, seeming more startled by this bit of information than by the fact that he and Sirius had just announced their relationship.

Then Lily started giggling. "That's...I'm sorry but...you probably knew before I did ...and that's so weird."

Remus shrugged apologetically. James, Sirius, and Peter started laughing too, as Lily continued to giggle helplessly, tears running down her cheeks.

"You _knew_? And you didn't think to mention it?" Sirius said.

"Well, it wasn't my news to tell, was it?" answered Remus, smiling at Lily.

She sniffled and opened her arms, "Oh, come over here, you."

He went and joined Lily, James, and Sirius as they all hugged, then looked over at Peter. Remus thought he must feel left out, being the only one to not have exciting news to share. "Alright, Wormtail?" he asked quietly.

Peter smiled, "Of course! If you're all happy, then so am I." Remus beckoned him over and he came to join in.

The clock began to chime towards midnight and they all yelled and broke apart, reaching for glasses of champagne as they rang in the New Year, full of excitement and happy to be together.

Remus kissed Sirius enthusiastically as the clock struck twelve, and for the first time ever he was not worried about anyone seeing. He could hardly believe that in the midst of all the pain and darkness happening in the wizarding world, they had so much love and light to celebrate.


	9. Chapter 9

The school year continued, and other than a few memorable instances including a break-in of the Gryffindor common room and the new Firebolt broom that Harry had mysteriously received for Christmas, there had been no real news of Sirius.

Remus kept a watchful eye out for any suspicious activity, and despite his determination not to make any emotional connections, he couldn't help but develop a sort of kinship with Harry. The boy had continued to excel in his Defense Against the Dark Arts class, which didn't surprise Remus considering Harry's history. After one evening when they had been working on Harry's Patronus charm, Remus found himself wondering what it was about James and Lily's son that had defeated Voldemort.

It may have justt been that he saw so much of Harry's parents when he looked at him -James's untidy hair and sense of mischief, Lily's eyes and kindness, their bravery and sacrifice- but Remus felt that there truly was something special about the boy. He usually tried not to dwell on it, but for the first time in years, he thought about the day he had found out about Voldemort's downfall.

Remus remembered thinking it was cold for the beginning of November. He had been on a mission for the Order, scoping out the rumors of werewolf activity in the north part of the country.

After a long night of being deep in the forest, he was looking forward to warming up at the inn in the small village nearby. He made his way along the winding path through the forest, keeping up a brisk pace to stay warm, the sun just beginning to shine over the horizon. As he walked, his mind wandered homeward. He had been gone only a little over a week, but he always felt slightly uneasy being away. Voldemort's followers had been steadily gaining power, and the Order had already faced him multiple times. Remus and the people he loved most were at the heart of the resistance, and he always felt a sense of dread when he opened the Daily Prophet, wondering what familiar names and news he might see there.

But despite the war, life went on. Remus and Sirius had their home together, and took a short "holiday" once a month during the full moon. Remus had his books, and Sirius had his motorbike. Remus rode it with him occasionally, because he didn't have the heart to tell Sirius that he thought it was ridiculous. He much preferred apparition, which was quieter and more efficient.

James and Lily had had their baby the summer before last, and had named him Harry. He was a bright, happy, green-eyed little boy, and Remus, Sirius, and Peter loved him like he was their own nephew. Sirius had been thrilled when James and Lily asked him to be Harry's godfather, and had taken the responsibility to heart. He and Remus sometimes took him for the day when James and Lily needed a break or had work to do for the order. Remus would never say it out loud, but seeing how sweet Sirius was with Harry always made his heart melt a little bit. He smiled to himself as he remembered Lily teaching Sirius how to change a diaper.

The war had been hardest on Peter. He had become withdrawn and even paler than usual. He had stopped coming around to visit as often, and seemed nervous when he did. Bravery and rebellion had never come quite as naturally to Peter as it had to the others. Remus sympathized with him and tried to encourage him whenever possible, but he knew that Peter must be very frightened.

But then, they were all afraid. Things had gotten even more perilous in recent months. Voldemort seemed to have knowledge of the Order's movements, and it indicated that there was a traitor leaking information to his followers. It had put everyone on edge. Dumbledore had also been made aware of a prophecy that could have been about the Potters, Harry in particular, and had thought it best that they go into hiding. So, they had moved to a small village far into the English countryside. Sirius was their secret-keeper, and Remus could tell how worried he was for them. Sirius had been acting strangely for weeks, avoiding Remus and barely talking to him when they were together.

Sirius had hardly even put up a fight when Remus had accepted his current mission, even though he usually would have insisted on accompanying him, or at least argued with him about going on a dangerous trip on his own. He was more than capable of taking care of himself, but Sirius was always trying to protect him. Remus frowned as he worried about Sirius. He didn't like the toll that fear was taking on their relationship.

Remus entered the inn lost in thought, and failed to immediately realize the feeling of muted excitement in the air. He sat and ordered tea, before he noticed the excited buzz of whispered conversations nearby. He thought he heard someone say, "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named...fallen, yes! Last night, on Halloween..."

He looked up in shock, noticing for the first time that there were small knots of witches and wizards thoughout the room, all whispering with their heads together. He stood and made his way towards those closest to him, feeling excited and hopeful and afraid.

The group was made up of two wizards and a witch, all crowded around a copy of the Daily Prophet. As he approached, he heard the wizard holding the paper saying importantly to the others, "The article isn't very specific, only that there were some casualties and that You-Know-Who was one of them! It was in Godric's Hollow, it says here... But the strangest thing is, there's no indication of what killed him. They're saying that there was a boy, a baby really, who lived. Couldn't have been much more than a year old..."

As the group broke off into excited speculation, Remus stopped cold, his heart in his throat. Godric's Hollow...some casualties, a baby who survived...but it couldn't be. How could he have found them? He shook his head, deciding that the man couldn't possible have read the article properly, and moved forward, determined get ahold of the paper and read it for himself.

Before he got there, the door of the inn burst open. Remus was startled to see Kingsley, another member of the Order, standing there. They looked at each other across the room, and Remus knew that he wouldn't have come all this way if there was only good news to share. Remus had had to tell friends and family members of others in the Order that their loved ones had been killed before, and he recognized something familiar in Kingsley's expression. He closed his eyes, hearing the blood rushing in his ears, willing himself to walk forward and find out who it was. He didn't know if it was true that Voldemort had fallen, or where it had happened, or who he had taken with him... only that someone he loved had been taken from him, and that was all that mattered.

He opened his eyes a moment later to find Kingsley standing beside him. Remus couldn't manage a greeting or pretend that he didn't know why he was there. "Who?" he whispered.

Kingsley sighed, and spoke in his deep, slow voice, "Remus, I'm so sorry... Dumbledore sent me as soon as he could, I tried to get here before the post arrived...it's true that Voldemort has fallen." His eyes lit up for the briefest moment, shining with a hard, victorious look, before he continued, "But at a great cost to the Order, and to you. Remus, he found James and Lily. They're...they're dead."

Although he had been expecting the news, it felt like a physical blow to his chest. He couldn't breathe, and felt dizzy. Kingsley saw him go pale, and gripped his arm tightly. Before Remus had a chance to react, Kingsley steered him into the nearby hallway and into an empty room. Remus pushed away from Kingsley and fell against the wall, every fiber of his being denying his loss. James and Lily, his best friends, his family...dead.

As he forced himself to breathe and think, his mind began to grasp the situation. And then he realized that it couldn't be possible, that Voldemort couldn't have found them, that Kingsley must be mistaken. Almost laughing with relief, he said, "But there must be some mistake...he couldn't have found them, Kingsley, don't you see? Sirius is their secret-keeper. James is like a brother to him, he would never betray them, never!"

He looked at Kingsley, desparate for him to agree, but he just shook his head sadly. Remus glared at him. Why couldn't he see that it couldn't possibly be true? Sirius may have been acting strange lately, but only because he was so worried for his friend's safety...

"No. I _know_ Sirius. He wouldn't give them up. Sirius, _my_ Sirius, would die before he betrayed his friends..."

"I'm sorry, Remus. I know you loved him, and none of us ever would have expected it. But it's true. Sirius betrayed us all."

Remus felt his legs go weak, and sank to the ground, as his world fell out from beneath him. He was shocked, he couldn't wrap his head around the truth. "I don't believe it...that he would betray James, and Lily...and Harry, his own godson..."

He trailed off, remembering what he had heard in the room outside, and looked up at Kingsley, desperate for a shred of hope. "But I overheard out there, before you arrived, that a little boy survived...were they talking about Harry? Is ... is Harry the boy who lived?"

Kingsley's eyes shone with wonder as he nodded, "Yes. Harry lived, and Voldemort was killed. No one knows how, or why, but the child must have great magic..."

Remus felt a tiny glimmer of awe through his pain, and felt dimly aware that Voldemort had truly gone. He wanted to make sense of what had happened, wanted to hear all of the terrible and wonderous details, and to understand. He sat up and took a deep breath, then locked away his grief at James and Lily's death, and his shock at Sirius's betrayal, to be dealt with later. "Tell me everything you know," he demanded.

Kingsley explained how Voldemort had gone to Godric's Hollow, how he had murdered James and then Lily, as they attempted to protect their son. He explained that Harry was left with only a small scar on his forehead as a mark of the killing curse, and talked bitterly about how Sirius had rushed to the Potter's house as soon as he had found out, and how the Order had thought he was going to try to help, until they found out that he had been secret-keeper, and had been the one to betray his friends. He said that when Peter had heard, he had stormed off and no one had been able to find him since. He told Remus that Sirius had left his motorbike with Hagrid, who had been sent to collect Harry, and had then gone on the run. He explained that Dumbledore had arranged for Harry to stay with his aunt and uncle, protected in a muggle community.

Although Remus felt the bile rise in his throat as Kingsley talked about the death of his friends, and despair threatened to swallow him as he heard that Sirius had gone on the run, he insisted on hearing every detail. When he heard that Harry would be staying with Lily's sister, he felt mingled relief and sadness. He had only heard Lily talk about her sister briefly, but knew that they hadn't been on good terms, and that she didn't approve of magic. Madness seemed to overtake his mind for a moment, and he had almost resolved that he would tell Dumbledore that he would care for Harry himself... but then he remembered that he was a werewolf, and that the boy would surely be safer without him.

It was midmorning by the time he had wringed every detail from Kingsley. Remus was exhausted with lack of sleep and with the effort of holding himself together. He paid for a room at the inn, and collapsed onto the narrow bed.

He closed his eyes, and let the tears come, and finally let loose the awful truths clamoring in his mind. Despair hit him in waves... James and Lily, dead. Little Harry, who had some kind of power he couldn't comprehend, sent to live with his muggle relatives. Peter, missing. Sirius... And as he thought of Sirius, trying to reconcile the man he loved with the man who had been responsible for the murder of their friends, he felt a wrenching physical pain in his heart. He felt like he was breaking in two. He still had some small hope that there had been a mistake, and that Sirius was innocent. He longed to find him, and hear the truth, whatever it might be.

That afternoon, he and Kingsley heard the news that Peter had tracked down Sirius in London, and foolishly confronted him. In the aftermath, Peter was dead, along with a number of innocent muggles. Sirius had been aprehended by the Ministry as he stood in the midst of the carnage, laughing like a madman. He would be taken to Azkaban without a trial.

With this irrefutable proof, Remus was forced to admit that Sirius was guilty, and he knew he couldn't trust his own heart. What kind of person fell in love with a killer, and never even recognized the signs?

Remus had lost everyone, and was more alone than he ever could have imagined.


End file.
